Ask Jihadii

To Ask Jihadii

Do you know if anyone has ever made an anti-barney video?

I don't know of any publically available videos for sale, but I do know that there are videos out there of people playing a game called Barney Ball at a Chicago Area Science Fiction Convention, where they basically use a stuffed Barf-Me doll as a ball in a softball game. Also I believe that the ritual sacrifice rending and then burning of a Barf-Me doll at a Fright Fest at a Six Flags Theme Park during Fright Fest

To Ask Jihadii

I am exposed to so much B&F everyday, that I just start pigging out on Good Food[tm]. The problem is, I can't stop! Oreos and Jolt have become an addiction for me, and my wallet's running low on money. Is this okay? What should I do? Or should just continue? (If that's the case, please send money!)

Signed:
Eating while Typing.

Eating,

This is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. First, remove yourself from whatever causes you yo be exposed to so much B&F. If it is because your parents are forcing you to watch, or are insisting that another child in the household be allowed to watch, then get yourself a lawyer and divorce from them. If it is on the Job, then quit.

Next, stop eating. I know it isn't easy, but you have to. Too much of even a good thing is worse than a bad thing. We need concerned Jihadii like you to still be alive later, and able to take up the fight, not dead of a heart attack or too fat to stand up, when the Lavender Lard Lord rises up and reveals his true Army that he is secretly assembling as you read this in the desert in New Mexico.

Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

Sometimes I don't get that fun feeling anymore, I mean it used to be so much fun but now it just seems boring! Does this make me less of a Jihaddi? What should I do?

Signed,
Someone in the Midwest

Someone,

Wake up moron! This is The Jihad! Not a freakin carnival ride. This is a serious job. We are NOT here to entertain you, you are here to FIGHT!

Now, get off your buttocks anf go out and KILL SOMETHING!!!

[this one pilfered from the ask Jihadii maibox]

To Ask Jihadii

Well Jihaddii I have this problem. I go into #tjab a lot, but it seem like whenever I go there I type stupid things that causse anvils to fly. I try to fix this but my hands keep on typing stupid things? WHAT DO I DO???

#tjabber

#tjabber,

Might I suggest a straight jacket? How about mittens? Amputation also comes to mind. How a bout a Lobotomy? All of these could help you get your head out of your hind-quarters and stop being such an annoying %&^)! to everyone. Why don't you just go back to Sandman and the others in #barney where you belong?

The views expressed here are solely those of the columnists and should not be taken as the views or opinions of the Jihad as a whole or of this publication

Kooking

with

Keebie

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, 2 Haggis related recipies:
ok, ok, so Haggis is technically Scottish, but it's close enough...

Battered Barney with Fries and 'Haggis' Starter.

Ingredients:

    Barney (1)
    Oil (2 Imperial Gallons)
    Eggs (10)
    Flour (10 boxes)
    Milk (6 Imperial pints)
    Potatoes (50)

Directions:
Put the oil in the deep fat fryer(Industrial sized) and heat the oil.
Take your Live Barney, and with a sharp Knife cut a long slit down his chest.
Remove the Stomach, Liver, Lungs and Heart(in that order).
Prepare the batter by mixing the Eggs, Flour and Milk, (You will need a bath tub)
Dip him in the batter, and then put him in your Industrial Sized Deep Fat Fryer,
until Crisp and Golden.
While doing this Cut open the stomach and put the Liver and Heart inside,then Stich it up
(If the stomach splits, don't worry).Put it in an oven set to 400 degrees Farenheit.
Cook for 3 hours or until nice and rubbery.
Chop up the potatoes into fries and put in the deep fat fryer(Take barney out first)
When you have cooked the fries you can Cut off Barney's head and put it on a spike and peirce his back(for decoration)
Leave to cool. When 'haggis' is finished season to taste then serve.
Serve the Barney on a bed of chips.
Suggested wine: Very strong red wine.

from: Thomas Hardman

Barney Haggis

Ingredients:

    70 pounds of oatmeal
    one intestine from barney
    internal organs from barney
    M-16(just in case he fusses)

Directions:
kill barney with M-16
throw the intestines and organs in a huge pot of boiling water
wait until fully boiled
lay your oatmeal over the intestines and organs

And TADA
from: Kyle P

Courtesy of The Barney Cookbook