The Jihad Herald

This month we try something different (mainly because we didn't receive any questions in the submissions department this month), instead of responding to reader questions each of our collumnists will tell us what Thanksgiving means to them.

Ask Jihadii

What does Thanksgiving mean to me. Well, that is an interesting question. Of course Thanksgiving should be a time of family and giving thanks for the things we have recieved in the past year, but I also see it as a time for friends and like minded peoples to come together and give strength to the causes they all hold dear, like the Jihad and it's fight to destroy Barney in all his evil forms.

So, this Thanksgiving, let us all pause for consideration, and ask the question, "What have *I* done to bring about the end of Barney & Friends". And, while I know it is early for New Years Resolutions, why don't we all resolve to do at least 3 things in the coming year to remove Barney from the airwaves and video tape dealers. They don't have to be big things. They could be sending a letter or email to a local PBS station informing them that B&F is the reason you will not subscribe, or sending a letter to the local toy store telling them that you will refuse to shop there until the B&F merchandise is gone. Tell 1 random parent who has a child with Barney merchandise visible around them about what the show *really* teaches. Maybe write your congressperson and complain about federal tax money going to support this Non-Educational programming.

If we all do just 3 things next year, then maybe we can accomplish something. Alone, we barely count, but together we represent a block of the voting and consumer populace that the powers that be will have to take into account when deciding on wether to continue to carry Barney and his evil doings in their respective establishments.

Yours Truly, Ask Jihadii

Dear Crabby

What does Thanksgiving mean to me? I'll tell you what it means to me. It means that fat purple pig roasting on a spit in my fireplace. It means the kids seeing their beloved dino's butt roasting in the oven. It means calling the cranberry sauce Congealed Barney Blood and the stuffing Barney Guts and watching the little spongies cry. It is about telling your relatives what you *really* think of them allowing the kidlets to watch that crap, and it's about burning the bridges between you and any of them that disagrees.

In short, this is the one time of the year when you can actually access the rest of tha family and hammer home how evil and corrupt It Of The One Tooth really is and re-explain for the umpteenth time to a captive audience why it should be banned and all the ankle biters who worship at it's foul alter should be put into therapy immediately to hopefully save what little is left of their spongified souls.

Oh, yeah, and Ask Jihadii, 3 times a year ain't enough. If you are really with the cause, you gotta do something EVERY #$%^&%( DAY!!! Get yourself a sign and go to Texas so you can picket the offices of the company. Send bloody shredded Barf-Me dolls to children you know who watch the show and tell them it's what happensd when Barney meets a REAL $#%^&*%(*%$&% DINOSAUR!! Take B&F tapes and hook your VCR to a computer and digitally alter them to show B'harnii as the demonic evil creature he truly is and mask in his real messages of 'Follow me! Do what I command! You are my slaves!!' then return them to the rental places and stores that sell them so the word is passed on to the next poor schlub who rent's or buys them! That is what you should do!!!

Dear Crabby

The views expressed here are solely those of the columnists and should not be taken as the views or opinions of the Jihad as a whole or of this publication

Kooking

with

Keebie

Thanksgiving Barney Feast
1 unsuspecting Barney (preferably happy for being invited)
18 loaves crusty bread
1 cup herbs and spices for seasoning
1 large pot
1 large baster
10 agitated Barney-haters hiding behind various pieces of furniture
10 Louisville Slugger improvised "tenderizers"
1 camcorder (spare battery may be a good idea)
1 over-sized roasting oven
1 extra-strength balloon. (Such as used in hot-air variety)
1 thin blunt metal object, about 4ft in length
3 jars vaseline
1 cylinder helium
10 cans cranberry sauce

Preparation:
Tell Barney it's time to make dinner. Watch him bounce up and down delightedly. Grin. Take him to the kitchen. Show him the 'implements'. When asked what the balloon and metal rod are for, keep grinning. (The nervousness and shaking help to tenderize the Barney) When Barney decides he wants to leave, signal hidden haters to carry out 'the plan'.
While Barney is being tenderized, prepare stuffing with bread and spices in large pot. When the beating has rendered Barney unconscious, call off the senseless brutality and preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Have a volunteer hold the balloon while you insert the metal rod into the open end. Wrap balloon securely around the rod and lubricate excessively with vaseline. With Barney held down (he's bound to wake up), insert tool in cake-hole , careful not to overly disturb internal organs. Barney must remain alive. Remove rod once balloon is in place, then attach 1st helium cylinder. Open cylinder valve and fill balloon until Barney is approximately 3 times original size. Concentrating on Barney's skin in case the pressure threatens to rupture him and ruin the feast. Also, stop if Barney's screams become faint. He must stay alive.
Remove balloon from the Barney. He will deflate, but still be "loose" enough. Stuff breading into newly loosened orifice. Be sure not to waste any. Breading should be hot so as to cause pain. A volunteer may also twist Barney's nipples to make sure he stays conscious. Open over door and heave limp Barney inside. Close door. Roast for approx. 3 hrs. Garnish with cranberry sauce.
Sell tape to CNN. (to make sure it is played many many many times.)
Serves 20. Entertains millions.

Recipie by Carl Brennan, Courtesy of The Barney Cookbook.